masking --> social exhaustion --> social isolation

 I have engaged in quite a bit of social isolation, it became really significant during my high school years and  something continued to do throughout college, young adulthood, and now. After listening to a behavior speak podcast episode on ASD in girls I realize that one of the primary reasons I isolate(d) is because masking is exhausting and I was/am terrified that if people found out who I really am without the "Act", they would no longer like me. This led to lots of social isolation and missing out on building real, true relationships. Only a handful of people truly know me and still love me, my family and my husband....and I still am amazed by him and think he is unbalanced or something to love me in spite of knowing the real me

ASD, girls, social motivation and language thoughts

 Girls --> more social motivation (as evidence by Chawarska 2016) and my own experience with girls (ES, MW, Am, etc) ----- does this increase in social motivation lead to them attend to language more (conversation with Naigles about importance of helping children with ASD realize value of language and attend to language because they are completely capable of learning...it seems to be more of a fact that they are not attending likely because they do not realize the importance) ------perhaps this is why so many girls without language delays go undiagnosed or get misdiagnosed..more evidence that there are likely more girls with ASD than diagnosed and why the few girls that are diagnosed tend to be more impaired especially in terms of language. 

Choi dissertation study 2 - mid dump

>Gesture use predictive of receptive language and ASD outcome -- Eigsti?? When testing reliability of instruments are ;populations considered? (e.g. not just testing reliability and validity it neuro-typical individuals but ASD individuals as well? >Power of responsive parenting(Developmental) + power of contingencies (ABA) --> potential great strategy to 1st draw child's attention to you and build rapport through non-contingent responsiveness (non-contingent imitation, narration,  responsiveness) and THEN (mastery criteria of perhaps minimal engagement time??) make responsiveness contingent (narrate, imitate, etc only behaviors you want to increase)

sensory processing????

I think I know what may be a key contributing factor to all my anxiety....i constantly feel bombarded by information (both sensory and intellectually) and I have no idea what to pay attention to (weak central coherance) or how to process it so I eventually shut down because I feel so helpless. I have always had this issue of seeing the big picture, identifying main ideas (my text books and annotated articles are basically all highlighted) but it has grown exponentially worse in the past year and honestly interferes with my ability to function...I think that is why I feel so down and flat, it is because I am so overwhelmed by everything and tired from trying to sort it out....not that knowing this helps me...

all of this does not help my goal of pursuing a career in research and obtaining my phd...how can I possibly navigate the application process and (if by some miracle get into a program) degree program when I cannot navigate daily living and am so far removed from academic experience. I would love to audit a bunch of statistics and research methods courses to brush up on my knowledge...maybe I should contact old professors at SCSU...

Covid-19 has obviously turned everyone's world upside down and like the majority of the population i am struggling. Adding to my anxiety is the awful l guilty that I feel l because other people have are in far more difficult situations; I cannot even imagine what this entire social-distancing and self quarantining must be like for individuals with disabilities and their families who are left without school, services, support, etc. I am thankful that I am at home with my wonderful daughter and husband but I am struggling and am not sure how much longer I can keep this going. I am intensely concerned about my daughter because I am so tired and worn down that I am not the mom that I know i can be (this may be due to my incredibly low hormone levels or the fact I did have brain surgery in January but the reality is that I feel wretched and anxious about what this social isolation is doing to her development. Sure I make detailed lesson plans to keep her engaged and learning but I am incredible concerned about her lack of exposure to peers. One of the primary reasons that I send her to daycare is to foster social skills and now she is an only child left at home with two exhausted parents...this cannot be healthy. 

Worried about husband - has taken the lead in care-taking for months and continues to help out (when he is not working from home) and I can just tell that he is mentally, physically, and emotionally drained. 

Feel like this whole situation is magnifying my weaknesses and that I am not good at anything. I need to feel like I am useful and I know that being a good mom and making my daughter happy is my most important job right now but I am just not good at it and am honestly so tired that I can barely function. I feel like I would feel a little better if I was able to engage in something that helps other people...