11/20

I feel...paralyzed… an overwhelming need to disappear.  The simple question is why? Unfortunately,
there is no simple answer...just a million little reasons that feel like a million stones placed on my
chest...weighing me down...making it hard to breath. 

• Lack of hours at work today and the session that I did have felt pointless (a solo visit without a program book therefore no way to review progress and know what skills the child is working on, substitute teacher so I could not really review how things are going since my last visit including what has been helpful or not helpful)

• Asked to take on a new case in Newtown and not knowing if I should

Reasons to take

• Hours
• Could schedule on days that I may be going to Waterbury for ESDM cases...that is if I receive the advanced training that I have been waiting a year on that may be happening in December/January

Reasons not to take

• No other cases in Newtown area
• Great therapist but very needy and tends to expect me to change all that is broken with our system

I am generally unhappy with job due to lack of structure, lack of training for therapists, lack of objective measures, and no real goals...I think we are supposed to be training caregivers in implementing NDBI strategies BUT therapists do not know how to implement NDBI strategies, many caregivers view our time as babysitting time and do not participate, cancelations and no shows, lack of a team approach (slps, pts, etc all working on different and sometimes conflicting skills such as slp teaching child to sign more when I am trying to have them vocalize, lack of individualization in goals and recruiting parent input in goal development,  small talk which I can handle when it is with people I have gotten to know but there are constantly new therapists and new parents, constant scheduling and attempting to arrange co visits with therapists, children, and caregivers who have their own changing schedules (wish I knew where I was going each day and that there was consistency), no shows that i do get paid $15 for including my time for traveling, rescheduling, trying to pop in somewhere else, etc)....generally feel like there is no point to my job but do not know what else to do. 

• Feel like I am trying to do 3+ jobs at once and just cannot do it because I feel the need to give each one 100% and they are all part time projects and I have an inability to multitask and shifting between tasks is extremely difficult. I wish I could focus 100% on something that I really care about...research ... maybe I should focus on podcast as that may help perhaps lead to more research with ASF….but I also need to make $....
• • Work
  • Parent training study 
  • Podcast 
  • ??Burke study and research??
• My birthday is coming
• Holidays
• Maeve almost drowning and me having to jump in pool to grab her and now need to call to cancel swim lessons and maybe membership but i do not want her to be afraid of water and therefore feel like i need to take her swimming even though I hate swimming in the winter when it is cold (purple numb fingers, dry skin, unbearable chill) which is why I signed her up for lessons but then they had a new teacher every week who wear all nice kids but had no idea how to teach children, and then the drowning episode
• My weight is down and I am completely addicted to my fitness tracker
• Cognitive remediation therapy?
• Need to clean house
• Need to paint trim
Unfortunately, this is not the first time I have experienced this…