October 23, 2019

Upon realizing that I may be on the Autism Spectrum I copy and pasted a list from Tania Marshall of
common Aspie Women traits, highlighted what I identified with, and as I made certain connections in
my head between my past and present self and  traits on the list I would add comments.
But the list is becoming quite messy and in order to show the progression of my understanding I am
going to write the connections down separately as I make them. The format will be very similar to
every day Aspie In which the author wrote an entry each day for a year upon realizing she had
Aspergers/ My writings will most likely be daily and probably after I run because I tend to make the
most connections while running and listening to podcasts and research. Anyhow, to begin with here are
today's connections that I made when I was driving to work this morning (running late in traffic, trying to
navigate where a new client lives, worrying about communicating with new client through a translator,
and trying to schedule upcoming sessions) and then walking my dog while listening to the Podcast
Them Aspergers.

• I hate the job that I love
• I LOVE working with children on the Spectrum, they are a joy to interact with and I find
• helping them acquire new skills to be incredibly rewarding. HOWEVER, there are many

• aspects to my position of being a BCBA in Birth to Three that I do not enjoy and cause
• me great anxiety which in turn leads me to controlling the things in life i can control (e.g.
• exercise and food).
• Specifically, scheduling co-visits with 5 other therapists for 12 different clients (each therapist
• and client with their own unique schedule) is a massive head ache as i struggle with
• organizing and scheduling as well as constantly contacting others to arrange visits not to
• mention I find it hard enough to schedule something a simple as a hair appointment and

therefore simply go to walk ins. 

• 
  

While it is frustrating when people have to cancel last minute, I completely understand that 
illness and family emergencies do happen. However, canceling or not showing up for your child’s
therapy session because you forgot, slept in, decided to take a last minute vacation --even though
you have not paid your therapy bills--, Netflix unexpectedly released a new season of your favorite show

early, is incredibly frustrating (especially since we do not get paid). Clearly, my job works directly against my internal need for consistency and routines

• not knowing where I am going to be each day makes me very anxious.
• Small talk. Because I work with so many people, each session requires a certain amount of small talk that can be exhausting and really just unpleasant. I avoid going to the office at all costs (especially after 9 am) so that I do not risk seeing people and having to make small talk.
• Lack of a manualized procedure. I feel like most of my time is spent without a purpose. I do like the structure that comes from following an organized program such as that detailed in Project Impact sessions as well as the Parent Training study I am involved with which requires parents to complete a module each week and then the purpose of our visit is to discuss what they learned, clarify anything that they did not quite understand, discuss what worked what did not work and how to improve.

• I find small talk incredibly aversive largely because I am constantly reminding myself to
  make eye contact, rehearsing what I should say next, and monitor conversational turn taking and apparently other people on the Spectrum find this to be true as well. I am not the only  one! 
• Because of the extra effort i need to put into socializing, I do not find it rewarding and in fact  avoid it. BUT again I am not alone in this, as many individuals on the Spectrum feel the same way. Unfortunately, I have always felt incredibly guilty about backing out of social gatherings in the past and the way that I “coped” was to binge/purge, self-harm, or overexercise. I never quite understood why I engaged in such self-destructive behavior but i now understand that I felt overwhelmed by guilt and feeling that there MUST BE something wrong with me to back out of social events that were supposed to be pleasurable and that in  order to suppress these feelings I engaged in incredibly harmful behaviors. 
• Doesn’t everyone have routines?

• I like my routines and schedules and find them to be very calming and I know this is
• characteristic of someone on the Spectrum but doesn’t everyone have routines? I guess not
• everyone gets as frustrated and frazzled as I do...because when sudden changes happen
• I do get extremely anxious and agitated.