How do you feel?

Perhaps the most irritating thing I remember about my experiences in therapy (especially as a teenager) was being asked "how do you feel".... I never quite knew how to answer that questions and would therefore always reply "fine" which is actually a very common response of individuals with eating disorders to this question. In fact, throughout my years of treatment I learned that FINE was a commonly used acronym among patients and counselors for either F***ing Insecure Neurotic Eatingdisorder or F***You I'm Not Eating. Now that I am older and wiser I understand that my response truly was not a defiant behavior to be difficult and noncompliant; rather, the response was reflective of the fact that I honestly did not know how I feel and a clear indication that I have alexithymia which can be defined asa subclinical phenomenon involving a lack of emotional awareness or, more specifically, difficulty in identifying and describing feelings and in distinguishing feelings from the bodily sensations of emotional arousal (Nemiah et al., 1976); In fact, recent research has shown that alexithymia is quite common among individuals with Anorexia (Westwood, Kerr-Gaffney, Stahl, Tchanturia, 2017). Moreover, research also indicates thatalexithymia is;quite common among individuals with ASD (Kinnaird, StewartTchanturia, 2019)...yet another connection between ASD and AN. I have not yet looked into it but I think it would be very interesting to explore this connection further as well as explore the brain regions involved when an individual engages in an activity that involves identifying emotions.Kinnaird, E., Stewart, C., & Tchanturia, K. (2019). Investigating alexithymia in autism: A systematic review and meta-analysis.European psychiatry : the journal of the Association of European PsychiatristsJournal of psychosomatic research

Kellerman 2020 research dump

 Demonstrates importance of early dyadic interactions for development among children with and without ASD.

How does mother responsiveness and synchrony affect brain? Would be very interesting to exam potential differences in neural structure and connectivity in children with parents that underwent responsiveness training.

Behavioral coding is very informative but objective psychophysiological/neural measures are needed to strengthen findings (my personal experience with behavior coding videos has really confirmed the subjective nature of this measure).

IFSP goals for Birth to Three are child-based (e.g. Bobby will produce 2 words to indicate his needs during mealtime). I think  we should also include parent-based goals (Karen will smile in response to Bobby's vocalizations in 80% of opportunities or imitate 3 of Bobby's vocalizations during mealtime)

Blume 2020 mind/research dump

Do difficulties with social disengagement (sticky attention) influence difficulties with joint attention?

In longitudinal studies, examine effect of imitation (both child and caregiver) on future language/social development. Hypothesis- Children of caregivers who follow their child's lead and imitate the child's sounds and actions have better language/social skills than children of caregivers who are more directive. And children who imitate are more likely to have superior social/communication skills than those who do not.

• perhaps imitation is a particularly powerful predict of later social and communication skills because in order to imitate an another individual you must be attending to them 
• imitating a child's (td and non td) actions/words seems to be a particularly effective way to gain their attention. 

table conversations and inspiring women.

 As I was sitting with my parents, husband, and daughter at the table following lunch and trying to keep up with what each person was saying while filtering out the background noise of the fire, cars driving by, and dog walking around,  it dawned on me that one of the main reasons that I always disliked sitting around the table and talking is that there is just way too much stimuli  to filter and keep track of...not to mention the absolute torture of small-talk. I honestly do not understand the point of talking just to make conversation; rather, I prefer to converse about a topic that has a purpose...does that make sense?

On another  (very unrelated and random) note, why do we have to make up silly female superheroes when history is full of amazing women? One of my special interests is women who served for the SOE during WWII and I decided I would like to make a running list of inspiring women that all girls should know about:

Marie Curie 

Suzanne Spaak

Sybil Luddington 

 Mercy Otis Warren

Nancy Wake

Odette Sansom 

Virginia Hall

Vera Atkins

Temple Grandin

fantastic employer

 Wow what a wonderful company that I work for...I have been contacting my boss for more work (at reduced rates since BEFORE the pandemic) and when she finally would get around to responding to my offers (days if not weeks after I initially contacted her) I was repeatedly brushed off. Well now that the pandemic is in full swing and enrollment is at an all time low I have a single client....who shows up maybe 60% of the time. 

Did I mention this is the same company that I connected with Uconn to participate in a study and then they decided to give the BCBA role to another BCBA without every mentioning it to me. When I confronted my boss she informed me that she assumed I would not want to drive to another area; in reality, I would drive twice the distance in order to be involved in this study utilizing evidence-based practice with trained therapists but I was never even given the chance. 

Right now, with the low cases, the full time employees are given priority with cases and I can accept that. However, when I asked if I could add my name to the availability list for nearby towns where another contractor works and has at least 3x as many cases as me I was informed that because I had limited availability due to my medical leave, the company promised this other contractor more cases if she quit her other BCBA job.....now I am not a moral authority in any way but does that not seem wrong? As much as I cried and grieved over the study BCBA position due to assumptions (did they ever hear of the saying "never Assume because it makes an ASS out of U and ME?) Anyhow, I can somewhat get over that because yes my availability at the time was limited to the mornings and early afternoon because I wanted to be home with my daughter. But giving away cases because I had a brain tumor??? That seems incredibly wrong...I am now on a year of not really working and my boss suggested that I look to other agencies for cases....is this real????

and now Covid 19

Well 2020 has certainly been eventful. Just as I was resuming my normal life after brain surgery here comes Covid 19. Like the rest of the world I am in lockdown mode with husband, daughter, and dog as we engage in social distancing to "flatten the curve".

The above post was written in March and now that it is June we are finally getting a bit back to normal and that is fantastic because I was ready to get back to normal in March (just when Covid and social distancing came about). March started off GREAT, I started driving, I returned back to work for a few sessions and it felt fantastic engaging with families and young children with ASD again, and my family was lucky enough to squeeze in a wonderful trip to Florida before social distancing measures set in. I will try updating a bit more because while quarantine has not been easy difficult for me my family (just like everyone else) and especially my daughter who truly need peer interactions for her social and emotional development and well-being. A positive development that has come from the social distancing is that I am now volunteering as a research assistant at Purdue University and it is positively amazing, I just love being involved in research and dream of pursuing a career in ASD research by pursuing my Phd.

Anxiety and feeling inadequate

I know I am 6 weeks post brain surgery but i feel so useless. I continue to struggle with getting easily overwhelmed and feeling like I am on the verge of a panic attack every time I go out in the community and am beginning to wonder if I will ever be able to handle leaving the house again. I am also so cognitively out of it that I cannot be the mom that I need to be for Maeve and she really needs to be in daycare more but since I cannot work I do not get paid and therefore cannot send her to daycare. Speaking of my job, I know that it is not what I want to do (I really want to get involved with research on biomarkers for ASD)I also just cannot do it as the unpredictability and sensory/social overstimulation makes me very anxious and on the verge of a panic attack....I  have really struggled with this mental fog and sensitivity to sensory/social stimulation since my seizure and wonder what could be the cause: the concussion and then brain surgery or the keppra? I hate feeling like I am going to have a panic attack after driving my daughter to daycare and going to the grocery store....they only time I do not feel anxious is when I am hyper focused on a task. How can I live this way? I called my doctor and will be meeting him next week instead of next month to switch from Keppra.